Sunday night Erik and I had one final talk, and called the relationship completely quits. He wanted to stay friends and keep from burning the bridge between us, but that would never work with me. It had to be all or nothing, none of this bullshit of waiting for him to decide what he wants. We were just making each other miserable. I've been so lonely that I've wanted him around constantly, and with internship he just hasn't been there, both emotionally and physically. (The Catholic Church might be on to something by not allowing priests to marry). I kept demanding more from him, and he would try, but nothing was good enough. So it's kaput. In a way, it's liberating. I no longer have to worry about his wavering commitment to the future. Instead of wondering if I'm in his plans forever, I can just now make my own plans, and if he wants to be with me, he must find me.
Of course, the whole ending of this relationship has given me time to reflect on myself and the world. I've realized how broken the body of Christ has become. We all have shit to deal with, and nobody really talks about it. We just sit and suffer hoping it all goes away. We think a good day means it's all over. I told Erik how lonely I have been and he asked "well, have you asked people to call you?" Um, no. Doesn't that sound a little desperate and needy? The thing is, clearly my needs were not getting met, and clearly I was not asking for anyone to help me. So I've made a better effort. Hello people, call me. Clearly curling and running were not enough to keep me balanced.
My friends have done a great job this week. I got a phone call Monday from Sarah, and Amy called Tuesday. I've receive facebook messages and Anita starts my month off right with Post Card Day (only the greatest holiday ever!) Actually, I think more people should do postcard day. There is just something about real mail and knowing that someone make an effort to go get a postcard and a stamp to make you feel loved. It's so much better than facebook.
Anyway, I've realized the body of Christ is so broken and it becomes more clear to me each and every day that I work in the church. I think God had the right person in mind when he picked me to work for him. He must need my passion, organization, and inspiration to fix this shitty situation we have all gotten ourselves into. Oh, and my big fat mouth. God gives us the greatest gifts :)
Things are looking up in life. Now that I don't have to worry about Erik stuff, I've stopped crying all the time and feeling like my life is a complete waste of space. I haven't been so depressed this week. I think the spring weather has helped (as well as the 10 pounds I've lost!). Randomly on my run Wednesday I considered buying a house. Yes, because now that I know I don't have to worry about moving somewhere with Erik in a year, I can be a homeowner.
I even went bar hopping on St. Paddy's Day. One of the confirmation group leaders is close to my age and we started talking after confirmation and I told her we should go get coffee sometime, and well, we ended up going to the bar and I got home around 11. It was so nice to be out in public and talk with someone. (It was also interested to see who in Green Bay goes to the bars....not much competition here.)
Things are looking up. Life is pretty busy. Goals are being set. Now, if I can win more then $5 at the Casino.
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