March kicked my ass. This week I went to the dentist. Bad news. I had a cavity. Good news, I now have insurance and only had to pay $98 to have it fixed, as well as X-rays, and my teeth cleaned. It was pretty painless, but my mouth was numb for the rest of the evening, and it was a bit sore today.
Then today I decided that I was actually going to go into work on Friday. I try to get all my hours in at the beginning of the week, but I wasn't feeling too great Monday, and Tuesday/Thursday I spent the afternoons at the dentist and volunteering at the senior community. On the way to work, I was rear-ended by a guy that didn't have a driver's license or insurance. He gave me his information, but he didn't want me to call the police. Needless to say, I did. He was pretty rude to me, acting like it was my fault and he told me "you people don't know how to drive." I'm not sure what "you people" mean, because I am the one with the license and the insured car. He took off, and I drove off the bridge to the church parking lot and called the police.
The police officer was friendly, cute and single. I gave him the information. I spent most of the morning on the phone with the insurance company. There is not much damage to the car. It's around $600. The outside bumper has some paint scratches and the inside foamy bumper thing is cracked, but nothing serious or structural to my car. I took it in and got an estimate. I know it looked fine, but you never know and I do pay for my insurance and that what it's for. 3 hours and 30 minutes after my accident I had a check for $115 to pay for the damage (I still have to pay my deductible since the guy didn't have insurance and all this complicated crap).
I feel bad about calling the cops, because the guy obviously is not in the best situation financially or he would have had a better vehicle or insurance. I try to be compassionate, but he was breaking the law by not having a license. What if he's one of these guys who has 5 DUIs and is still out driving around? That drives me nuts and he should be responsible and have insurance, even if Wisconsin doesn't require it until June.
In the meantime the heart is still healing. I miss Erik a lot. We are going to an arena football game tonight. I have concluded that I am ready to look for other men, but not quite sure if I am ready to date.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
This Green Bay Life
I had a bit of a downer of a weekend. It happens, no reason to beat myself up about it. I felt pretty sad about Erik most of the weekend. I really missed him, but in truth, he's really not been in my life for the last three months, so it's just the same kind of sadness before. At least now I have reason not to call and hear him with his lame excuses just disappointing me all over again.
Needless to say, this sadness made it hard for me to go running Saturday. I didn't run my 12 miles. I only did 4. I came up with every excuse, but the truth is I just wasn't mentally there. Running is all mental. Well, a huge part of it is mental. You do have to be able to physically run. I spent all day Saturday hanging around my apartment reading The Help. It was really good and I couldn't put it down. The book tells about the relationship between white women and their black maids as well as race issues in Jackson, Mississippi during the early 60s. It was fascinating and my mind is back in time down in Jackson. I miss those characters. So much I just want to start reading another book.
This afternoon I took a little walk and then went to Barnes and Noble to browse. I parked myself in the running sports section and read some inspirational quotes, because God knows I need it this week. A woman was also looking in that section and she told me she downloads pod casts of This American Life to listen to while she runs. I never thought of that. I used to love A Prairie Home Companion, especially The New from Lake Wobegon, but I got kind of sick of it. There are only so many jokes to be made about Lutherans in Minnesota.
I'm thinking about online dating. I did update my profile and do a little searching. Just about every guy I've glanced at likes fishing and the outdoors or has a cabin or boat. And yes, they are almost all Packer fans. Surprise_surprise. I was surprised that I have already gotten as many emails and winks as I have already. (I haven't subscribed so I can't read them). But then it's a much smaller pool then in the Twin Cities. This might be good for me.
Needless to say, this sadness made it hard for me to go running Saturday. I didn't run my 12 miles. I only did 4. I came up with every excuse, but the truth is I just wasn't mentally there. Running is all mental. Well, a huge part of it is mental. You do have to be able to physically run. I spent all day Saturday hanging around my apartment reading The Help. It was really good and I couldn't put it down. The book tells about the relationship between white women and their black maids as well as race issues in Jackson, Mississippi during the early 60s. It was fascinating and my mind is back in time down in Jackson. I miss those characters. So much I just want to start reading another book.
This afternoon I took a little walk and then went to Barnes and Noble to browse. I parked myself in the running sports section and read some inspirational quotes, because God knows I need it this week. A woman was also looking in that section and she told me she downloads pod casts of This American Life to listen to while she runs. I never thought of that. I used to love A Prairie Home Companion, especially The New from Lake Wobegon, but I got kind of sick of it. There are only so many jokes to be made about Lutherans in Minnesota.
I'm thinking about online dating. I did update my profile and do a little searching. Just about every guy I've glanced at likes fishing and the outdoors or has a cabin or boat. And yes, they are almost all Packer fans. Surprise_surprise. I was surprised that I have already gotten as many emails and winks as I have already. (I haven't subscribed so I can't read them). But then it's a much smaller pool then in the Twin Cities. This might be good for me.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Moving on Up
It's been a crazy, busy, emotional week. Sunday I ran 16 miles all on my own. It was just too crappy to run on Saturday, and Sunday was super nice. I ran down to Lambeau Field and back 4 times, which is about 16 miles, more or less.
Sunday night Erik and I had one final talk, and called the relationship completely quits. He wanted to stay friends and keep from burning the bridge between us, but that would never work with me. It had to be all or nothing, none of this bullshit of waiting for him to decide what he wants. We were just making each other miserable. I've been so lonely that I've wanted him around constantly, and with internship he just hasn't been there, both emotionally and physically. (The Catholic Church might be on to something by not allowing priests to marry). I kept demanding more from him, and he would try, but nothing was good enough. So it's kaput. In a way, it's liberating. I no longer have to worry about his wavering commitment to the future. Instead of wondering if I'm in his plans forever, I can just now make my own plans, and if he wants to be with me, he must find me.
Sunday night Erik and I had one final talk, and called the relationship completely quits. He wanted to stay friends and keep from burning the bridge between us, but that would never work with me. It had to be all or nothing, none of this bullshit of waiting for him to decide what he wants. We were just making each other miserable. I've been so lonely that I've wanted him around constantly, and with internship he just hasn't been there, both emotionally and physically. (The Catholic Church might be on to something by not allowing priests to marry). I kept demanding more from him, and he would try, but nothing was good enough. So it's kaput. In a way, it's liberating. I no longer have to worry about his wavering commitment to the future. Instead of wondering if I'm in his plans forever, I can just now make my own plans, and if he wants to be with me, he must find me.
Of course, the whole ending of this relationship has given me time to reflect on myself and the world. I've realized how broken the body of Christ has become. We all have shit to deal with, and nobody really talks about it. We just sit and suffer hoping it all goes away. We think a good day means it's all over. I told Erik how lonely I have been and he asked "well, have you asked people to call you?" Um, no. Doesn't that sound a little desperate and needy? The thing is, clearly my needs were not getting met, and clearly I was not asking for anyone to help me. So I've made a better effort. Hello people, call me. Clearly curling and running were not enough to keep me balanced.
My friends have done a great job this week. I got a phone call Monday from Sarah, and Amy called Tuesday. I've receive facebook messages and Anita starts my month off right with Post Card Day (only the greatest holiday ever!) Actually, I think more people should do postcard day. There is just something about real mail and knowing that someone make an effort to go get a postcard and a stamp to make you feel loved. It's so much better than facebook.
Anyway, I've realized the body of Christ is so broken and it becomes more clear to me each and every day that I work in the church. I think God had the right person in mind when he picked me to work for him. He must need my passion, organization, and inspiration to fix this shitty situation we have all gotten ourselves into. Oh, and my big fat mouth. God gives us the greatest gifts :)
Things are looking up in life. Now that I don't have to worry about Erik stuff, I've stopped crying all the time and feeling like my life is a complete waste of space. I haven't been so depressed this week. I think the spring weather has helped (as well as the 10 pounds I've lost!). Randomly on my run Wednesday I considered buying a house. Yes, because now that I know I don't have to worry about moving somewhere with Erik in a year, I can be a homeowner.
I even went bar hopping on St. Paddy's Day. One of the confirmation group leaders is close to my age and we started talking after confirmation and I told her we should go get coffee sometime, and well, we ended up going to the bar and I got home around 11. It was so nice to be out in public and talk with someone. (It was also interested to see who in Green Bay goes to the bars....not much competition here.)
Things are looking up. Life is pretty busy. Goals are being set. Now, if I can win more then $5 at the Casino.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The Catcher in the Rye
I just finished reading The Catcher in the Rye. After J.D. Salinger died, I felt this sudden need to reread it. I think it's been ten years since I've picked up the book.
The thing is, it took me forever to read it this time. It just fell flat for me. I remember it being this amazing book, but this time I couldn't relate to Holden at all. I thought he needed to grow-up and get his shit together. All he did was hate everyone, including himself. It was just painful to read page after page of him suffering inside himself. And that got me thinking, why was it ten years ago this book was so great to me, and now Holden is so annoying. What has changed? Have I changed? Have I grown up? Did I lose some kind of innocence that allows me to identify with Holden? Did I completely miss the point of this book?
I suppose I'm not in high school anymore, but what does that mean in itself? Who am I and where am I going? I suppose I am like Holden in that I need to have some direction. Am I really happy where I am? Why has it taken so long for me to achieve the things I've wanted to achieve and what really is the definition of success?
Perhaps the purpose of such a book is to make one think about their own life and direction.
The thing is, it took me forever to read it this time. It just fell flat for me. I remember it being this amazing book, but this time I couldn't relate to Holden at all. I thought he needed to grow-up and get his shit together. All he did was hate everyone, including himself. It was just painful to read page after page of him suffering inside himself. And that got me thinking, why was it ten years ago this book was so great to me, and now Holden is so annoying. What has changed? Have I changed? Have I grown up? Did I lose some kind of innocence that allows me to identify with Holden? Did I completely miss the point of this book?
I suppose I'm not in high school anymore, but what does that mean in itself? Who am I and where am I going? I suppose I am like Holden in that I need to have some direction. Am I really happy where I am? Why has it taken so long for me to achieve the things I've wanted to achieve and what really is the definition of success?
Perhaps the purpose of such a book is to make one think about their own life and direction.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
14 Miles and Running
Today was the big day. My first 14 mile run. I've done 13.1 three times, but never 14. When I was training for 5Ks that might have been what I ran in a week. The alarm went off at 6a.m. and I made my traditional race day breakfast, oatmeal. I realize this is not a race, but I feel 100 times more confident if I eat oatmeal for breakfast.
God gave us runners a gorgeous day. It's 40 something now, but this morning it was sunny and mid-30s. This brought out a bigger crowd...which is just what this 11 minute miler needs. Slow people behind her:)
The Preva Training team sets up water stations every 3 miles. This is awesome. I don't have to worry about staying hydrated, and I can mentally break the route into 3 mile sections. Plus I get to meet other runners and volunteers. The conversation is something like "thank you" for being out here and giving me water, to "we're almost there." It seemed like today there were a lot of people who were getting over colds or had leg cramps. I joyfully ran past them, even though I know that they are more serious runners that are faster than me and just having a bad day.
I wasn't even done with my first mile when the IPOD completely froze up on me. I was joyously singing "Damn is Feels Good to be a Gangster" when it just stopped. I thought I had bumped it, but no. God had other plans for me today. There were enough people out, hills to run up, and streets I've never been down to keep me distracted. I sort of ran the first 6 with this older bald guy, and that kept me going for a while. We talked about snot. If you are a runner, you understand.
I'll tell you the best part was when I got to the last water stop and had only 2.0-1.5 miles left. When I saw that last water stop, I knew I was going to finish. That even know I hadn't walked through the door to the Bay Park Mall Food Court, I was already there jumping up and down with joy. There would be no wall hitting on this run.
I finished in 2:37:01. This is something like an 11:13 mile, which I accept. That includes traffic lights and hanging out at water stops. I know race day will be faster. I also used the Gu stuff for the first time. When I did get to the Mall I had a huge smile on my face and just wanted to scream aloud "I did it! I did it!" I think people would have looked at me funny, plus I didn't want to draw attention to my smell.
After running those 14.0 miles, I really feel like I can do anything...including get out of debt.
On another note, Erik and I ended our relationship. Well ended/break. It just wasn't working. Neither one of us were happy with it, and we were just making each other feel bad. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be with each other or how we feel about each other. We've just been having the same conversation for over a month with no solution. I think we both have things to work on in our personal lives. I for one need to stop caring about this status quo stuff and the pressure I feel on me to get married. Anyway, hopefully some space will enable us to work it out, instead of constantly pushing each other's buttons. We still plan on spending time together, so we'll see.
Last night we went to the Hockey game with Grant, Kate, and Matt. The Gamblers are in first place in the East and they played Omaha, who is in first place in the West. The game went into Overtime, and then a shoot-out. None of us had ever seen a shoot-out. There was also a fight, but the refs were being jerks and not letting them really go at it. Erik and I almost won Chuck-a-puck. Our puck was the closest one to the red dot, when another puck, in what resembled a play in curling, took ours out. The Gamblers ended up losing the shoot-out. I really want to go again tonight. But I have no money, and no one besides Erik to ask to go, and there's that whole giving him space thing. I think tonight I am going to start planting some seeds and stuff. I know it may be too early, but I'm anxious.
God gave us runners a gorgeous day. It's 40 something now, but this morning it was sunny and mid-30s. This brought out a bigger crowd...which is just what this 11 minute miler needs. Slow people behind her:)
The Preva Training team sets up water stations every 3 miles. This is awesome. I don't have to worry about staying hydrated, and I can mentally break the route into 3 mile sections. Plus I get to meet other runners and volunteers. The conversation is something like "thank you" for being out here and giving me water, to "we're almost there." It seemed like today there were a lot of people who were getting over colds or had leg cramps. I joyfully ran past them, even though I know that they are more serious runners that are faster than me and just having a bad day.
I wasn't even done with my first mile when the IPOD completely froze up on me. I was joyously singing "Damn is Feels Good to be a Gangster" when it just stopped. I thought I had bumped it, but no. God had other plans for me today. There were enough people out, hills to run up, and streets I've never been down to keep me distracted. I sort of ran the first 6 with this older bald guy, and that kept me going for a while. We talked about snot. If you are a runner, you understand.
I'll tell you the best part was when I got to the last water stop and had only 2.0-1.5 miles left. When I saw that last water stop, I knew I was going to finish. That even know I hadn't walked through the door to the Bay Park Mall Food Court, I was already there jumping up and down with joy. There would be no wall hitting on this run.
I finished in 2:37:01. This is something like an 11:13 mile, which I accept. That includes traffic lights and hanging out at water stops. I know race day will be faster. I also used the Gu stuff for the first time. When I did get to the Mall I had a huge smile on my face and just wanted to scream aloud "I did it! I did it!" I think people would have looked at me funny, plus I didn't want to draw attention to my smell.
After running those 14.0 miles, I really feel like I can do anything...including get out of debt.
On another note, Erik and I ended our relationship. Well ended/break. It just wasn't working. Neither one of us were happy with it, and we were just making each other feel bad. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be with each other or how we feel about each other. We've just been having the same conversation for over a month with no solution. I think we both have things to work on in our personal lives. I for one need to stop caring about this status quo stuff and the pressure I feel on me to get married. Anyway, hopefully some space will enable us to work it out, instead of constantly pushing each other's buttons. We still plan on spending time together, so we'll see.
Last night we went to the Hockey game with Grant, Kate, and Matt. The Gamblers are in first place in the East and they played Omaha, who is in first place in the West. The game went into Overtime, and then a shoot-out. None of us had ever seen a shoot-out. There was also a fight, but the refs were being jerks and not letting them really go at it. Erik and I almost won Chuck-a-puck. Our puck was the closest one to the red dot, when another puck, in what resembled a play in curling, took ours out. The Gamblers ended up losing the shoot-out. I really want to go again tonight. But I have no money, and no one besides Erik to ask to go, and there's that whole giving him space thing. I think tonight I am going to start planting some seeds and stuff. I know it may be too early, but I'm anxious.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Marathon Training
My training is going all right. First the positive. I am up to 12 miles (14 this coming weekend). I have not felt any pain in my knees (this has been a problem in the past, but I'm lifting weights this time). I have also lost at least 5 pounds. I actually made the training run on Saturday and it was a good time. (Even if me and 2 other girls got lost along the route. No better way to make friends and bond then completely missing a turn). It was nice to have water stops set up for me and to be in a "race" atmosphere.
On a downward note, I wish I had lost more weight by now. I've only lost about 1/2 a pound per week. I blame my large consumption of cookies and junk food. I can usually make it most of the day eating alright, then I need sugar. Research tells me I need protein, but really, how much protein can I eat? Meat is expensive for a single gal, I get sick of eggs and cheese, and nobody wants to be around me when I eat beans.
I've also decided to cut back on the amount of running I was doing. Instead of running 5 days a week, I'm going to do 3-4. My body just needs more recovery. Sorry training schedule, you're not cutting it. So today I hit up the gym and did the elliptical, which was a good reminder as to why I would rather run. I despise that thing!
On another note, the boy has decided he's going to be studying in Norway next Fall. I am super unhappy about this and, as of now, do not know the future of our relationship. The last semester he went aboard turned out very poorly and he completely sucked at maintaining the relationship, in fact, he failed. And this time I can not afford to come visit. To fly to Norway is twice as much as Mexico, and I'm having a tough time as it is paying bills and affording my nice apartment. There is just no possible way to save up $1,000 by Fall, even if I stop driving my car.
Oh, well. The only thing to do is put my faith in God and trust that I am where I need to be and what will be will be. I'm planning on staying in Green Bay for another year minimum. Then it'll be time to either move up north to the U.P. or Canada. (Hey, those Hockey players were hot. And I already curl and love snow.)
On a downward note, I wish I had lost more weight by now. I've only lost about 1/2 a pound per week. I blame my large consumption of cookies and junk food. I can usually make it most of the day eating alright, then I need sugar. Research tells me I need protein, but really, how much protein can I eat? Meat is expensive for a single gal, I get sick of eggs and cheese, and nobody wants to be around me when I eat beans.
I've also decided to cut back on the amount of running I was doing. Instead of running 5 days a week, I'm going to do 3-4. My body just needs more recovery. Sorry training schedule, you're not cutting it. So today I hit up the gym and did the elliptical, which was a good reminder as to why I would rather run. I despise that thing!
On another note, the boy has decided he's going to be studying in Norway next Fall. I am super unhappy about this and, as of now, do not know the future of our relationship. The last semester he went aboard turned out very poorly and he completely sucked at maintaining the relationship, in fact, he failed. And this time I can not afford to come visit. To fly to Norway is twice as much as Mexico, and I'm having a tough time as it is paying bills and affording my nice apartment. There is just no possible way to save up $1,000 by Fall, even if I stop driving my car.
Oh, well. The only thing to do is put my faith in God and trust that I am where I need to be and what will be will be. I'm planning on staying in Green Bay for another year minimum. Then it'll be time to either move up north to the U.P. or Canada. (Hey, those Hockey players were hot. And I already curl and love snow.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)