Saturday, September 25, 2010

Home

Sometimes I wonder why I was so determined to leave West Central Illinois.  What would be so horrible about having a few friends from high school and seeing my family more often?  Perhaps if I just moved back home I wouldn't be so lonely all the time.  I would have people to go out to dinner with and friends to drink hot chocolate with.  I could go to my parents on Sunday for dinner.

But I'm not "home."  I'm not even sure what that word means.  I refer to my apartment as home, but I feel so lost.  I feel like my soul is spread all over the midwest.  I've made this circle, jumping back and forth over the Mississippi River and for what?  What am I really accomplishing in Green Bay?  Am I really making a difference?  Am I really living out my dreams?  Can I really stay here much longer?

I've been here over a year, and I believe I've been asked to dinner by a members of my congregation maybe twice.  I keep looking for ways to meet people.  I keep trying, but I'm not very successful.  I just blend in with everyone else and no one knows I'm new. 

I know I'm a strong, introverted person, but I really dislike Green Bay.  Cedar Rapids had more to do then this town. 

I cross off the days on my calendar, but what am I waiting for?  I'm going to be 29 and I know that's not old, but it feels like it is.  I feel like I should be making a bigger difference in the world.  That I should be doing more, something extreme, but I'm not. 

Friday, September 17, 2010

Let the Freaking Out Continue

Yep, I'm still a little freaked out by my decission to become a pastor.  My life will never be the same, but it's not really a scared freak out, it's a just a little freaked out. It's not a "I can't do this" it's a "What did I just do?" 

Today's Friday, so it's my day off!  I know, I took Monday off as well, but I only work 32 hours a week and I had board meetings this week, and that pretty much sucks up all my hours.  I hate meetings.  I know they are important, but sometimes they are just so painful.  Maybe I should start to knit during meetings to pass the time.

On the path to becoming a pastor, I have turned in my application and scheduled my psychological evaluation.  I need to still schedule my initial interview (I'll call on Monday) and read some short book.  Then December 9th and 10th my candadicy committee gets together and decides whether or not I am destined to a be a pastor.  If they decide yes, I will be taking online classes in Feburary, pending being admitted to the Seminary.  I also have to surrender my MA in order to transfer my MA into a MDiv.  I'm a bit shaken up about this.  I worked so hard for that degree, and I have to give it back if I want to count those years towards my new degree.  On the plus side, I am 15 credits (+ Greek), CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) and 1 intership year away from my MDiv.  I'm thinking it will take 3 years...maybe???

Oh, I think I will be planning a mission trip to Puerto Rico next year!  I called the Lutheran Camp, and quickly learned that I need to brush up on my Spanish.  I'm hoping they call back; I'm also hoping to find someone to translate :)

Monday, September 13, 2010

Wonderings...

Sunday was wear-your-Aaron-Rodgers-jersey to church day, I mean Rally Day.  We had a big kick off in the sanctuary and I planned a little pep rally for us.  We sang some songs, did a little cheer, and I wrote a skit for the teachers that was our "starting line-up."  It turned out pretty well.  On the downside, I didn't have enough tables and chairs for my Sunday School class and I'm a bit worried it might be too crowded, but if that's my only problem, I'm doing pretty well.

I've spent three days at church/work, so I decided to stay home today.  Also, I was up until 1am because I drank too much Mountain Dew while watching football and couldn't sleep.  I spent my day knitting.  I also signed up for about 10 promotional items (guess who's getting a free snack from Kashi!) and telling Sarah that boys are stupid.  I started looking for a part-time job as well.  I could use an extra 10 hours a weeks somewhere, otherwise it's going to be a drab Christmas.  I am broke. 

Which gets me wondering if this is the right time to be making the decision to go back to school and get my MDiv.  I have been pretty excited, but ever since I put my application into the "out" pile, I've been a little freaked out.  What have I done?!?  This is not to say that I'm not excited and certain I'm on the right path, it's more to say I'm a little freaked out about the path I've decided to take (or did I decide???).

Today when I was filling out a part-time applications (I desire to be a cashier with little responsibility), and I thought more and more about how I'm a leader.  I really do like being in charge. 

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I pray for...

I am horrible at prayer.  When I have things at church that I need to lead a prayer for, I write it down first and then read it.  I'm sure this is acceptable, but I wish I could just pray out loud, but the only prayer that comes naturally from my mouth is "Come Lord Jesus."

I try to be a good little Christian and pray for my neighbors and friends in need.  I try to confess my sins and give thanks, the later being easier. But I also feel like a total slacker.  I get into bed at night and my first thought is "Shit, I forgot to pray."  I then try my best to pray in the way I was taught or I just give up trying my own thing and opt for the Lord's Prayer (which to be fair I pray at least twice a week).

Last night after I was done praying, I thought to myself: I am horrible at this, I am a rotten person.

Then I remembered that I am Lutheran and that thanks be to God I am not given my salvation based on my prayers and deeds.  Thank you God for GRACE!

This doesn't mean I stopped praying, I still pray.  But I pray for stupid things, like Doritos or bacon.  The thing is, sometimes I usually get those things.  (But come on, what cookout doesn't have chips???)  I kind of wonder if my prayers were really answered, or it's just coincidence.  Because why would God answer a prayer about food cravings and not about curing a dear friend's cancer.

These are the things I struggle with, but instead of running from them and declaring God non-existent, I've chosen to run in the other direction, having God embrace me in him/her arms and trust me to become a disciple and teacher of the The Word.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A Day in the Life of Me

I have decided my job is the most awesome job in the world.  Here is what I did today:

I made a posters with the letters G-O-D.

I wrote a skit about football.

I talked to a woman about Lilith.

I donated our Vacation Bible Camp materials.

I wrote an outline for Rally Day.

I discussed with a friend Jeremiah, potters and clay.

I sinned boldly and ate the Confirmation kids M&Ms.

I called the synod office to see if I was on the right track for a MDiv.

I emailed teachers to make sure they were on the right page for Sunday.

I cleaned off my desk.

I registered 4 kids for Sunday School.

Okay, maybe it sounds boring when I write it all out, but in truth, it was a very exciting day.  Espeically the part where I downloaded the font for ESPN in order to make a poster for the skit.  I mean, does your day ever involve making posters and eating M&Ms?  I think not.  My job is awesome.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Bienvenido Otoño!

I arrived home from Minnesota this evening to my living room feeling nice, crisp and fall-like.  I'm so glad I left all the windows open.  I put on a pot of hot chocolate and then decided tonight was a night for writing and thinking, and not numbing myself in front of the TV. 
I then took 30 minutes to make a "Fall" playlist on itunes.

I absolutely love Fall.  It is hands down, the best season.  A great excuse to curl up with a hot drink under a blanket and watch attractive men hit each other.   I love watching the leaves change color.  I can actually start running outside again because it's not super humid.  I can ride my bike to work without being soaking wet.  I'm so excited for Fall.

This last weekend I went to the Twin Cities for my friends Megan and Jason's wedding. This was the most emotional wedding I had ever been to.  Well, maybe for me.  When my friends Staci and Greg got married I was super excited, but I was in the wedding so I was kind of wrapped up in the day.  This time I got to see two of my friends come together and I just watched.  It was a great service.  It was so nice to go to an actual wedding service that wasn't horrible.  Weddings are just horrible, but this was good. 

I don't know how I didn't cry this weekend.  The wedding service made me emotional.  The toasts made me emotional.  Seeing all my friends made me emotional.  And then I went to Redeemer Lutheran Church for worship on Sunday....Pastor Kelly sermon was about answering our calls to God and being a part of God's plan.  Wow, talk about coincidence.  I'm surprised I didn't bawl my eyes out went I hugged Stephanie, who is the best hugger in the world (her hugs are better than Gay man hugs according to Anita). 

It was a good weekend.  I am super tired and my mind is racing with so many thoughts towards the future and those good old questions about the purpose of life, dreams, and goals.  I plan on sipping some more cocoa (3 mugs!) and catching up on my Bible readings.  I might even try to finish reading Uncle Tom's Cabin, which I've been reading since April.

Whatever happens, I feel pretty content right now.  Do I miss the boy, yes, but I always will.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Into the Great Wide Open

Lately I've been filled with mixed emotions.  I've been so down about Erik leaving for Norway, and that whole relationship in general. Who goes off to Norway and just tells their girlfriend without any openness to a discussion for the future...after dating for a couple years. 


In the end, I really needed to stand up and say, "hey, when am I am going to be a part of these decisions?" because I've never been.

Which gets me to thinking about relationships and life, and what does my future exactly hold?

I was thinking it's Bob Dylan's fault I can't find a guy.  I have these hopeless romantic notions of being the Girl from the North Country or Absolutely Sweet Marie.  I'd even go on to blame Neil Young and Tom Petty.  I really do need to date a musician or a poet. 

I've actually decided to go back to school and become a pastor.  I'm in the process of apply for candidacy and to school.  I've talked to my pastors as church and we're going to work something out so I can work and go to school.  It will probably take me forever, but the way I see it, I'm going to be a pastor for life and this isn't something I'll do "for awhile."

I am excited about it, and a little nervous.  I do love my job and I love working in the church.  Yes, there is some political bullshit, but I think there will always be no matter where I go and what I do.  The point is for some reason, I absolutely love talking about God and my Faith.  I love to talk to others about their faith.  I love the Bible and those stories.  I eat it up like it's chocolate.  Crazy, but it has to be.

My future is wide open.  I may still be lonely in Green Bay, but I do love what I'm doing here and I'm not ready to leave it.  I'm going to leave it up to God (or I guess the ELCA) to tell me when to move to the next place...